50 Questions for Self-Improvement
But is it really self-improvement?
I have spent the past one month agonising about starting a blog. I have been fretting about where I should begin, what I should write about, whether it will be good enough, will people like it or is everyone going to criticise my work and reaffirm my beliefs that I am a shitty writer and I am not good enough for the job. Since I have been dealing with so many insecurities, I decided to make my first blog article about insecurities.
Let me be more specific, you see, last year I hated myself and wanted to change everything about myself. I did not feel I was enough. I wanted to be more, I wanted to be better. While wanting to improve is not by any means harmful in itself, but if you keep judging yourself and hating yourself in the name of self-improvement, it can be pretty damaging. Nonetheless, I made a list of questions of things that I wanted to change and improve about myself. Recently, I was going through my old journal entries from last year when I came upon the list again and I decided to write answers to these questions. To my surprise, the answers came almost naturally to me, even though it has taken a lot of soul-searching, reading, journalling, meditation and therapy to find those answers.
Now, why am I publishing something this private for the world to see? Well, I thought that laying my insecurities bare might be a good way to deal with them. Secondly, if there is even a single person out there who is dealing with even one of these questions, maybe this article will help.
Here is the list along with the answers that I have found :
Q. How to accept yourself?
A. Accept that it is okay to be imperfect, it is okay to make mistakes, screw up, and embarrass yourself.
Q. How to be humble?
A. Accept your imperfections.
“Your actions don’t actually matter much in the grand scheme of things.” — Mark Manson
“Knowing that the part you play in the world is not crucial to its existence is a very liberating thing.” All of which boils down to the fact that you are not special, and you are not responsible for holding the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Q. How to not be selfish?
A. It’s okay to be selfish.
Q. How to be more kind/compassionate/considerate/thoughtful?
A. Be kind to yourself first.
Q. How to live in the present moment?
A. Practice mindfulness.
Q. How to not feel inferior?
A. Learn to love yourself.
Q. How to not feel insecure?
A. Accept it. You are going to feel insecure and unsure from time to time, there is nothing wrong with it, accept it. And accept the fact that it’s okay to be average.
Q. How to deal with emotional stress/turmoil/imbalance/baggage?
A. 1. Accept it. Before you try to let it go, let it in and let it be. Only let it go when you are ready to make that shift. 2. Ask for help. Go to therapy.
Q. How to deal with emotional manipulation?
A. Don’t let guilt and shame make you do things that you won’t do otherwise.
Q. How to better channel your emotions?
A. Write, journal, doodle, paint.
Q. How to change your personality psychologically?
A. Your personality is flexible, you can make it whatever you want it to be.
Q. How to be a strong person?
A. Be emotionally brave, accept your emotions instead of running away from them.
Q. How to deal with bitterness and resentment?
A. Go to therapy.
Q. How to be more empathetic?
A. Listen more.
Q. How to not make everything about yourself?
A. Listen more.
Q. Why do I always make poor choices/ bad decisions?
A. 1. You don’t. 2. It’s okay to make mistakes, you’re only human.
Q. How do I stop overthinking?
A. Practice mindfulness. Be more compassionate towards yourself, even when you make mistakes and don’t live up to your own expectations. No, especially when you make mistakes and don’t live up to your own expectations.
Q. Everything doesn’t happen for a reason.
A. Yup!
Q. Everything doesn’t need a reaction.
A. Absolutely. Practice mindfulness and detached engagement.
Q. Need to prove yourself to others.
A. Accept yourself completely. Love yourself more.
Q. How to stop being attached?
A. You don’t need to. You can be emotionally attached to someone while being psychologically and intellectually detached.
Q. How to be more confident?
A. Love and accept yourself. Work on the skills and talents that you want to improve.
Q. How to be resilient?
A. Be emotionally brave. Accept your emotions, all your emotions, instead of trying to fix them or run away from them.
Q. How to deal with jealousy?
A. Accept the emotions and understand that it has got nothing to do with the other person. It is about your insecurities rather than what others seem to have.
Q. How to deal with rejections?
A. Accept it and understand that it might not be about you. It might be about the job requirement, the university requirement, or the choices of the other person.
Q. Why do rejections hurt so much?
A. Because we use it to measure our self-worth.
Q. How do I forgive (others/myself)?
A. Forgiveness is a process. It takes time.
“Forgiveness is a process. And if the pain is deep, you may have to forgive more than a few times for the same wound. And that’s alright. Because every time you forgive, you heal a little more than before. Until one day you look back, and instead of pain; all you feel is relief.” — Suhaib Rumi
I believe, sometimes it is okay to move on without forgiving someone because some things just cannot be forgiven.
Q. How to deal with codependency?
A. Learn to love yourself.
Q. How to get rid of social comparisons?
A. Get rid of social media.
Q. How to deal with guilt?
A. Accept it.
Q. How to deal with shame?
A. Accept it. Talk about it.
“Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame.” — Mark Manson
Q. How to deal with internalized sexual shame?
A. Sex education, educate yourself. Watch videos, read books/articles, listen to podcasts, talk about it. Touch yourself. Explore your sexuality.
Q. How to not be a pushover/people-pleaser?
A. Be kind to yourself first.
Q. How to deal with anger?
A. Deal with emotions underlying the anger. Find non-destructive ways to let it out, like blogging.
Q. How to not over-care?
A. Be kind to yourself first.
Q. How to be more patient?
A. Empathise.
Q. Why do I always hurt people?
A. You don’t.
“Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.” — Haruki Murakami
Q. How to develop a growth mindset?
A. Read, read, read. Learn, learn, learn.
Q. How to not be lazy, be more active?
A. Figure out and deal with the underlying issues.
Q. How to deal with procrastination?
A. Figure out and deal with the underlying issues.
Q. How to have more self-control?
A. Figure out and deal with the underlying issues. Work on your self-worth.
Q. How to stop pitying yourself?
A. Take responsibility for your life. Focus on what you can do to fix your situation/problem instead of focusing on what someone else did or how their actions made you miserable.
Q. How to deal with the need to prove yourself?
A. Practice self-validation.
Q. Plan for life?
A. It’s okay to not have one.
Q. How to look at the bigger picture?
A. “… the part you play in the world is not crucial to its existence…” and you are going to die one day, so is whatever you are stressing over really worth stressing over?
Q. How to be more mature?
A. Maturity comes with experience and experience comes with being immature and making mistakes. So, be immature, make mistakes and learn.
Q. How to be assertive and speak up for yourself?
A. Be kind to yourself first. Know that your needs are important. It takes time practice and effort.
Q. How to be stronger/braver?
A. Unconditional self-acceptance and acceptance of all of your emotions.
The question I am currently dealing with is:
Q. How do I stop associating my self-worth with what I do, how well I do something or how much I score on tests?
A. I am still working on that, I will update the answer when I feel like I have figured it out.
This is in no way a step-by-step instruction, most of these answers will need a lot of time, commitment, and effort to achieve them. I am also aware that a lot of these things are easier said than done. But I hope that someone somewhere will be able to find it helpful.
